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How To Set Boundaries Without Sounding Arrogant

Use "I" statements. The use of "I" statements takes the blame off the person you are addressing and asks for cooperation. Examples of "I" statements are:

"I will not tolerate your making fun at my expense in front of other people. If you do it again, I will call you on it and then I will leave."
"I do not like when you take my car without asking. If you do it again, I will call the police."
"I'm not happy when I come home from work and the breakfast dishes are still on the table. If the breakfast dishes are still on the table again, I will take away your tv privledges."

Good "I" statements always begin with the word "I". They then state a feeling or a problem. They do not blame or accuse. They are direct and complete. They tell the other person what you will do if the problem is not resolved. Be prepared to follow through if the boundary is crossed. Think very hard about what you will do if the boundary is crossed. Don't make threats. Make promises.

Boundary setting may include "receptive listening". Allow people to state their feelings without fear that you will become angry.

Some people will test your boundaries. Be firm and stick to it. If a boundary you set is tested, and you do not follow through with what you promised to do, that boundary no longer exists. It will be crossed again and again. You must be firm when you set a boundary.

What if someone wants to argue when you assert your boundary? Reassert your boundary and leave it. Take care that your body language does not come across as aggressive. Uncross your arms and do not lean in towards the person. Tell them that you will be willing to discuss their problems with them, but the boundary stays.

If boundary setting is scary for you, try practicing it in front of a mirror. People who have never set clear boundaries might feel timid to take that first step. You might want to, you might prepare to, but you never quite get it out of your mouth. It just feels too alien.

Practice in front of a mirror. Practice saying it so that it does not sound aggressive or defensive. Watch your body language so that it does not look aggressive.

I knew one woman who was so shy that when she started setting boundaries, she would plant her feet, lean in towards the person, and grit her teeth. Her "boundary" sounded more like a demand than a firm stance. Practicing in front of a mirror will allow you to make sure that you do not come across as demanding when you first start setting boundaries.

People who set good boundaries are happier. And, the people around them are happier, because they understand exactly what the rules are and are not concerned with overstepping boundaries.


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